WOW... its been a long time!

Well, alot has gone on since my last post in May! We had a great time at the Queeche balloon festival in June, Emalee turned 7 in July, we had a awesome camp week in August at good 'ol White River, enjoyed a week on the Cape and survived Hurricane Earl. We started our "homeschooling adventure" in September! We enjoyed apple picking this fall, and had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My son Gabriel turned 15, and we had an amazing Christmas! We are now in the year 2011 and I am excited as to what the Lord has in store for us this year!


I have had a rough few months. I found out we were pregnant again on September 11th, 2010. But, we lost that baby a week after. We were excited again to find out I was pregnant once again on October 10th, 2010. Everything was going great until I pitalstarted spotting at about 8 weeks. I went to the hopital to get a "emergency ultrasound" and I was told that the baby was ok and it had grown from the week before! They were unsure of why I was spotting but was told to rest and not do much and they would do another u/s in a week.
So the following week we went in for the u/s and that is when I found out that the baby's heart had stopped beating. It was alot to take in..I was shaking, crying and asking God "WHY?!" My husband just held me as I weeped. The next few days were a blur.. blood tests, shots (I am rh-) and waiting... waiting to miscarry naturally.
I will not lie.. It was aweful. Knowing your baby inside you was not alive and just waiting for my body to "do its thing". It took almost a week for it to happen. I lost our baby on Monday,November 15th. My Mom and Dad drove up to stay with me for a few days.. it was nice to have them by my side during that difficult time, I had so many emotions going thru me.
We also had to tell my children that our baby is now in heaven...and how hard that day was. I can still see my Hannah trying to be so strong and the tears just streaming from her eyes.. I took her in my arms and we cried together. She was so excited to be having another baby in the house and was sooo heartbroken.I will never forget that moment... EVER!


I will admit it has been a very rough few months for me emotionally. I went thru the: "why me","I know God doesn't make mistakes..BUT", "I can't do this again","what is God trying to tell me?", "what am I supposed to learn from all this heartbreak?"

I have been taking it one day at a time. Some days are good some are not so good. For example: while i was pregnant I found out my baby sister was pregnant too! We were less then a week apart for our due dates and we were so excited to be going thru this together. Then I lost mine... I was very anxious about seeing her over Christmas. I didn't want to loose it! I am so excited for her..this is her 1st baby and everything is so new and amazing, but at the same time I am sad for me. I kept thinking while I was home visiting for Christmas about my baby. My sister was showing off her baby bump and I was numb. I put on the fake smile like it didn't bother me.. but it did. I was sad, sad that I lost my baby bump and sad that I couldnt share the experience with her.
I know I will cry when Rachael has her baby and when I hold it for the 1st time. I will cry tears of joy for her and her husband, and I know I will remember my baby. I have peace knowing that my babies are in God's arms right now, and I will see them one day.

I am doing much better the last 2 weeks. I am at peace now... I still don't understand why this keeps happening to me, but I now know that I don't have to know. I trust God in what He is doing and I am going to praise him thru it all.