WOW... its been a long time!

Well, alot has gone on since my last post in May! We had a great time at the Queeche balloon festival in June, Emalee turned 7 in July, we had a awesome camp week in August at good 'ol White River, enjoyed a week on the Cape and survived Hurricane Earl. We started our "homeschooling adventure" in September! We enjoyed apple picking this fall, and had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My son Gabriel turned 15, and we had an amazing Christmas! We are now in the year 2011 and I am excited as to what the Lord has in store for us this year!


I have had a rough few months. I found out we were pregnant again on September 11th, 2010. But, we lost that baby a week after. We were excited again to find out I was pregnant once again on October 10th, 2010. Everything was going great until I pitalstarted spotting at about 8 weeks. I went to the hopital to get a "emergency ultrasound" and I was told that the baby was ok and it had grown from the week before! They were unsure of why I was spotting but was told to rest and not do much and they would do another u/s in a week.
So the following week we went in for the u/s and that is when I found out that the baby's heart had stopped beating. It was alot to take in..I was shaking, crying and asking God "WHY?!" My husband just held me as I weeped. The next few days were a blur.. blood tests, shots (I am rh-) and waiting... waiting to miscarry naturally.
I will not lie.. It was aweful. Knowing your baby inside you was not alive and just waiting for my body to "do its thing". It took almost a week for it to happen. I lost our baby on Monday,November 15th. My Mom and Dad drove up to stay with me for a few days.. it was nice to have them by my side during that difficult time, I had so many emotions going thru me.
We also had to tell my children that our baby is now in heaven...and how hard that day was. I can still see my Hannah trying to be so strong and the tears just streaming from her eyes.. I took her in my arms and we cried together. She was so excited to be having another baby in the house and was sooo heartbroken.I will never forget that moment... EVER!


I will admit it has been a very rough few months for me emotionally. I went thru the: "why me","I know God doesn't make mistakes..BUT", "I can't do this again","what is God trying to tell me?", "what am I supposed to learn from all this heartbreak?"

I have been taking it one day at a time. Some days are good some are not so good. For example: while i was pregnant I found out my baby sister was pregnant too! We were less then a week apart for our due dates and we were so excited to be going thru this together. Then I lost mine... I was very anxious about seeing her over Christmas. I didn't want to loose it! I am so excited for her..this is her 1st baby and everything is so new and amazing, but at the same time I am sad for me. I kept thinking while I was home visiting for Christmas about my baby. My sister was showing off her baby bump and I was numb. I put on the fake smile like it didn't bother me.. but it did. I was sad, sad that I lost my baby bump and sad that I couldnt share the experience with her.
I know I will cry when Rachael has her baby and when I hold it for the 1st time. I will cry tears of joy for her and her husband, and I know I will remember my baby. I have peace knowing that my babies are in God's arms right now, and I will see them one day.

I am doing much better the last 2 weeks. I am at peace now... I still don't understand why this keeps happening to me, but I now know that I don't have to know. I trust God in what He is doing and I am going to praise him thru it all.

Crazy days of Summer...

I can't believe that is already the middle of August! The summer has flown by...
We have been very busy with swimming lessons, farm camp, church camp and soon a vacation to the Cape! We have been working on painting the outside of our house also.

Emalee turned 7 in July and we had a party.. I can't believe she is 7! Seems like yesterday I was bringing her home from the hopsital. Time goes by way too fast!

Our trip back to Wellfleet..

I finally got to go home and visit my family! I missed them all sooo much..
While I was there my nephew turned 10 and we also had fun at the Provincetown National Seashore. We got birds to eat right out of our hands... it was so much fun!
I also saw my niece Ariana.. I haven't seen her since last summer! She has grown-up over the winter and talking nonstop!
All my sisters(including my sister-in law) walked for MS. My Uncle Wayne has had MS since I was young.. and we wanted to help the cause! The kids went with us and we walked 6 miles.. everyone did such a great job!
I miss my family so much ~ I wish we all lived closer. I do thank the Lord that I am only 4 hours away, it could be much farther!

Spring.. it's finally here!

It has finally arrived.. Spring that is!
It has been a very long winter and I am so happy it is now behind us! The kids have less than 30 days left of school and then they are finally done! We are planning on homeschooling them this fall, and I am trying to decide what cirriculum to use for them. Boy..it that a job! I will have a 9th grader, 6th grader, 2nd grader and a preschooler! I am excited about our decision.. I can't tell you why I changed my mind about keeping them in public school, it just happened. I just "feel" like it is what I am to do. I am looking forward to being with my kids all day and teaching them! I am worried about still having to work part-time and trying to homeschool. I would love to quit my job, but I don't think that is possible right now. I guess we will see how this will all work out.. ♥

It is so nice to see the green leaves on the trees and flowers blooming again.. I am so excited to get my hands dirty and get to work on my flower gardens! We are also planting a good size vegetable garden at my mother-in-laws house this year.(we dont have the room or enough sunlight)The girls are very excited about it and we are deciding on what to plant!! We are going to have a small herb garden at our house this year.. YAY!

As for "our plan" to have more children.. well, it hasn't been working out too well. I now know what women go thru month after month to get pregnant. I never had a issue before but now I am, and its not fun at all!
I am not sure if its my age, or the fact that its just not the right time. I am trying to trust in Him. I will have to confess that this process has taken quite a toll on me. I have been so upset at myself(my body), and have experienced depression for the 1st time ever in my life.
I am praying myself out of this "hole" I have made for myself and trying to rejoice! I am so blessed to have a husband that loves me and 4 beautiful healthy children.. I need to remember what I DO HAVE and not what I don't.
So I am leaving this "baby" situatuion up to the Lord. We will continue to "not prevent" and let it be. If the Lord desires us to have another baby then I will be overjoyed..but if He decides that I am done having children, I will be ok with that as well. I have FINALLY come to peace with the fact that I may be done.. and its ok.

Birthdays..

Well.. my Hannah Lynn is offically 11 years old. How did it happen so fast? It seems like I blink and years pass.. She has such a sweet heart and I am so proud of her. She is growing into a beautiful young lady!
We had her "friend" birthday party at the Bowling Alley this year. We have never done anything like that before and it was a blast. They bowled, played arcade games and ate cake and ice cream.

This past weekend we had out "family" birthday party for Hannah and Maddisen. Maddisen will be 4 on the 27th. How did that happen????? My baby is almost 4 years old! I tell ya.. time is flying by WAY TOO FAST! I don't like it at all..

My hearts desire..

I have had alot on my mind the past few months..

For one : I have been praying that God would bless us with another child for years. I was so happy when we decided to start trying again!! We started trying in August and then I had a miscarriage in September at almost 7 wks. I was so upset but knew that there was a reason and I need to trust in the Lord.
So ... we waited the recommended time for my body to heal and we started trying again. We tried in Decemeber and it didn't happen.We tried again in January and we are now waiting to see.. I went to the Dr. this week because I am concerned about the pain I am having while I have my period. It has been horrible and not normal for me at all. They did a exam and pap smear and I am sceduled to have a u/s on the 23rd of this month to check for cysts, fibroids or possible endometriosis.He prescribed some pain medication for me to take if I end up NOT pregnant this month. I am concerned that this is possibly the reason for my miscarriage and not conceiving. I usually have no problem getting pregnant.. we always were successful the 1st month of trying. So I am very concerned and trying to trust in the Lord.

The other thing on my heart right now is that I want to quit my job and stay at home with the kids and homeschool them. Bryan doesn't see how that is possible.. I am praying that the Lord will make a way for me to stay home and homeschool if thats His plan. In the mean time I think I will try to make a budget on just Bryan's income and see where we are at. I understand we would probably have to give up quite a few things .. Bryan just keeps reminding me that we would NEVER be able to visit my family on the Cape or go on a vacation or be able to get a new (to us) vehicle, or fix anything around the house ect. I guess if this is what God wants me to do then He will make a way of it to happen.

Wow.. I feel much better now that I wrote this all out!

Wow.. its been quite awhile since I wrote last! Things here have been very busy..

Let's see since the last post.. my parents came for a quick visit on New Year's Eve before they drove down to Florida for a few months. It was nice to see them, since we couldn't go back home for Christmas due to my van being so unreliable. They brought gifts for the kids.. and we had a great time.
I celebrated my 36th birthday last week.. how time flies! How can I be that old already? Bryan invited a few people over to have pizza and cake to celebrate. It was nice..
My sister Sarah was here over the weekend to visit. I am so happy that they could come up, I miss my family so much!! We had a wonderful time visiting and the cousins got to play together.

We are battling sickness again.. Emalee has had a fever now for 3 days. Not sure what is going on really, she doesn't have any other symptoms. I am not sure it is worth a Dr. call yet. I will watch her and see what happens.